i miss you.

breaking the radio silence, a brief respite for something like tradition.

i've stared down another year, can't say who blinked first, though.

all said and done, i'm thankful for everything--what i've learned, how i've grown and changed, the good things and the hard ones, everything cheesy but truthful i could say here.
i'm not sure if i have regrets, as generally (like resolutions) i don't believe in them. but all the same some things make me sadder than others.
i'm lonely sometimes--i miss you. yes, you. i have wonderful amazing people in my world, and most of them are out of reach. my fault, yes, admittedly so.

the handful that look out for me no matter what, i'm lucky to have.

i look back at the last five years that i've watched this day in in a similar fashion, and am amazed at how things have changed. worlds and worlds away, these eons i've traveled through.

i'm tired. three a.m. is late for me tonight, the way the meds and the sleeping and the working and the world play out. i'm tired, and it shows. in my silliness with words, in the photos, in my face.



but this is twenty-nine. hello world, i've missed you.

this year i took what felt like a million pictures of myself. this year i stood up for myself--i can't count how many times--even when it cost me, even when it helped me. this year i lost. this year i loved. this year i learned. and i am still learning. still finding how to be the best version of myself. functional, but not just. thoughtful, always. creative... well. obviously i've got work to do. hello twenty-nine, let's discuss a few things.

[i don't have birthday plans at the moment. i'd thought vaguely about declaring brunch at seward or else something in the evening post ridiculous sporting events, but i've not decided. let me know if you've opinions or thoughts or otherwise.]

Tags: birthday
feels like: exhausted

bastian ronan kismet jose
approx. 1996 to october 28th, 2007

I cannot let go
So I thank the lord

And I thank his sword

Though it be mincing up the morning, slightly bored

Oh oh oh, morning

Without warning

Like a hole

Oh, and I watch you go



There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road

There are some dragons who were built to have and hold

And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly

And some great bellies ache with many bumblebees

And they sting so terribly



I do as I please

Now I'm on my knees

Your skin is something that I stir into my tea

And I am watching you

And you are starry, starry, starry



And I'm tumbling down

And I check a frown

Well just look around

That's why I love this town

To see me;

Serenaded hourly

Celebrated sourly

Dedicated dourly



Waltzing with the open sea

off of the Joanna Newsom & The YS Street Band EP, bastian's preferred listening the last week or so.

Tags: bastian, cat
sounds like: Cosmia - Joanna Newsom

i've been really absent lately. apologies where they're due. know that it's been necessary, and not to plan.

( cut for length and cute photos. )

if you have cats, and use a clay litter that clumps or contains bentonite, please please look into a more natural alternative. at this point, i can only say what a dramatic change i saw when we quit clay litter. and that in the long run, it's not worth taking the risk.

Tags: bastian, kitten, sleep, stress, work
feels like: exhausted

...when lacking air conditioning. take 1 mango, chilled, cut into smaller pieces while removing the peel. chew on the pit before throwing away. add 2-4 scoops of vanilla ice cream (or ice cream like product of your choice, preferably without eggs so that i can have some) to taste. eat. forget that you don't have air conditioning and that at 1:30am it's still 80 degrees out with 65% humidity. repeat as needed until thunderstorms finally hit.

Tags: favorites, mango, summer, too hot
feels like: hot
sounds like: In The Lost And Found (Honky Bach) - Elliott Smith

how does anyone make decisions about the things collected as memories--presents, decoration, keepsakes--when the memories are no longer current?

when they cease being applicable to the current definition of your history, what have they become? certainly no less meaningful, beautiful, strange or sad, but still something that takes up space.

how do you decide.. what stays, what goes, what guilt will let you part with?

Tags: change, memories, moving, unpacking
feels like: thoughtful
sounds like: A Forest - The Cure

still at work. safe here. nowhere near bridge.
borofish is fine too.

my family's fine, d yours are too.

haven't heard anything here at the store about anyone *not being safe.

email is fastest to get ahold of me--if you want me to try and check in with someone for you, let me know.

it rained and rained earlier, but the kind of storm that leaves it feeling humid and hard to breathe. as if the clouds stopped mid-tantrum, and hadn't cried themselves out. i'll take what i can get though, where rain's concerned.

i had two days this week where my alarms were useless, a day apart. frustrated beyond belief. i have a hard time pinning down what could possibly pass for reasons, and so i look for patterns instead. i keep hoping that eventually i'll find them.

work has been crazy. literally flying by, hardly realizing what time it is anymore. that's what happens when there's too much work for too few people. i need a promotion, or at the least a raise.

my baby brother turned fifteen today. i don't have the words for how amazed i am. he's still so young, and yet he's growing into someone i really enjoy and respect. i can't say anything better, really.

this week has been an odd mix of challenges. so many emotions. so many words in my head. i can't begin to pin them all down tonight. so many emails i haven't gotten around to returning, those will have to wait a few more hours yet as well. for the moment, i guess i just need to.. document. and maybe i'll end up locking the rest of this down more, maybe i'll chicken out, but for now... it feels important enough to not.

i bought new jeans over my lunch break tonight. i'm back to the point where none of my pants fit again, and decided to go try on stuff off the clearance rack. i ended up buying ones that weren't on clearance, because, well. the ones i got are size six. i haven't bought a pair of jeans that size, my size, off the rack in over five years. ( i still don't believe it really. )

Tags: change, family, self, sleep, weight, work
feels like: disbelieving